


pretty

by calvinahobbes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Established Relationship, Gender Exploration, Gender Identity, M/M, Makeup, Mentions of Cross-dressing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 15:22:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17409362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calvinahobbes/pseuds/calvinahobbes
Summary: When Dan first sees the photoshoot of Ezra Miller in Playboy he stares for hours (minutes? who knows what time is) before he can even really consciously shape any thoughts around it.





	pretty

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this [tumblr ask](https://waveydnp.tumblr.com/post/181975005942/hc-that-the-reason-we-havent-seen-a-dan-in-a#notes).
> 
> Thank you to kouredios for betawork <3

When Dan first sees the photoshoot of Ezra Miller in Playboy he stares for hours (minutes? who knows what time is) before he can even really consciously shape any thoughts around it. It's that perfect combination that he has only slowly become accustomed to: of wanting to do filthy things to and with this incredibly beautiful person, on the one hand, and on the other to just... _be_ this incredibly beautiful person. He's scrolling aimlessly up and down the page, probably chewing his lip, when something about his energy must catch Phil's attention. 

"What is it?" Phil asks from his own browsing position. His voice is deep and quiet in that way it gets when it's just them and it's been a while since either of them said anything.

As soon as Phil asks Dan realises that something here is different. Any other picture of a hot guy and he would have sent Phil the link via iMessage immediately, so they could drool together. (In fact he did just that with the GQ photoshoot. In fact he even _liked_ it on twitter without a second's hesitation. But these images are just different.) He guesses Phil must have thought something similar because he makes to move his computer to go see but then he pauses in a silent query. When Dan squirms as if to move over (he doesn't actually budge from the crease), Phil gets up to join him so he can see his screen. 

"Oh, wow..." Phil breathes. "That's amazing." 

"It's fuckin'... ugh!" Dan buries his face in the space between Phil's shoulder and neck. Phil hums and rubs his hand across Dan's knee sympathetically. Right now he knows that Phil doesn't quite know what part Dan's reacting to, but he knows Phil will wait until he's ready to put words to what he's feeling. God knows Dan always does - eventually, inevitably, copiously.

(Eventually they talk. Eventually they look at the pictures and discuss what makes them hot, and what makes them cool, and what makes them sensual, and what makes them enormously brave. Eventually they let the conversation slip into touches and kisses and sex, the way looking at each other's porn sometimes does when you know each other this well and have been together so long. Eventually Dan reads the interview and goes to a dark brooding place, and for several days they keep coming back to it in their conversations. Eventually Phil will even risk a joke about the size of Miller's bunny ears, and it will become a whole bit between them.)

But the most important thing is that the next time Dan goes into the moon room, he'll find his kimono hanging on the front of the closet. He hasn't worn it in a while. The last time he saw it was when they had just got home and got into that frenzied donating spree. He remembers holding it then, feeling the smooth cool material run through his fingers and then hanging it back up. He lets his fingers run over it now, realising that Phil must have come in here, looked for it specifically, and taken it out - all just as a gentle reminder that this is something Dan can have, that it's something he _already_ has. For a moment he fists the material harshly as he is overcome with the love and acceptance and encouragement Phil gives him every day. He dons the kimono in a flurry and goes to find Phil.

*

Even after he'd think they've fucked it out already he keeps thinking, though. It's no longer just the photoshoot, no longer just Ezra Miller's ridiculously chiselled features. That was just the spark. Now he's thinking about lingerie and soft delicate materials against his skin, lipstick and eyeshadow and...

The fans are absolutely correct. Dan is one of them. He is out there among them, browsing the deep tumblr tags, stalking several vocal blogs. He doesn't do it all the time - he's learned the very hard way how to spare his psyche the trouble once in a while - and during tour he just hasn't had a lot of time to keep up. The point is he sees things. He sees lots of things. He sees the fanart of himself as a girl, or of himself in girls' clothes. Sometimes they get it, and sometimes they get it really wrong. But one thing he's realised during the tour that he maybe didn't understand before is that many of these people aren't doing it - drawing him, or manipulating his image, or writing sexy fanfic - solely because they think it's hot and it gets them off to think about him like that. They do it because they are projecting their own feelings and insecurities and desires onto him. They do it because they are boys who were told from birth that they were girls, or because they are people who sometimes feel like girls and sometimes feel like boys and sometimes feel like neither. He'd seen those posts before of course, interspersed with the D&P content, but it wasn't until he met so many of these fans and talked to them and listened to their stories that he really connected all the dots. They do draw it because that's how _they_ feel. And some of them do it because they recognise something of themselves in him.

That's why he even felt comfortable asking Phil to paint his nails before his solo liveshow in October. It had felt important to him to show them some vulnerability in return for all the vulnerability they had showed him. 

But right now nail polish isn't enough. He finds himself browsing blogs, make-up tutorials, websites, researching palettes and brands and ethical production values. He adds stuff to carts but then closes out of the tabs hundreds of times. But as soon as he lets his mind wander he'll find himself back on the same websites assembling items again. Eventually he allows himself to click all the way through to the confirmation of purchase page. 

* 

He tells Phil about the packages he's waiting for, of course. Apart from the fact that they live together and are constantly signing for each other's internet purchases anyway, they've already had so many conversations about Dan and how he feels he owes it to himself to explore his gender identity more. It's a strange topic for them, because for so many other aspects of their lives they have such similar experiences, but this is something Dan knows Phil just can't really follow. Sure, he's easily turned on by genderqueered looks, but then Phil is easily turned on by a _lot_ of things (it's one of the things Dan loves about him), but he doesn't feel that urge to push against these boundaries much himself. Phil's relationship with clothes are based entirely on want - want, take, have. It's that easy for him. Even if the item of clothing is a sparkly sequined jacket, just the fact that it makes him immediately joyful is enough for him. "I get it, though," Phil murmurs to him one night when they are snuggled on the sofa. "It's like your fight stories. I was such a weird kid, but at least no one ever threw rocks at me for wearing skinny jeans." Dan closes his eyes and breathes deep, focusing on the warmth and safety of this moment, the two of them together in their home. 

Dan opens one of the secondary browsers and activates incognito mode before he goes on youtube to search for makeup tutorials. At the back of his mind he is fully aware that he is acting paranoid, but sometimes you have to make concessions before you can move forward. It is as he is watching one of these tutorials that he realises his first big mistake. The next time "John Johnson" orders lube and condoms to his P.O. box, there's an addition of nail polish remover and make up remover to the order. 

Once the packages start to arrive Dan admits he is in way over his head. Possibly he has not ordered enough remover. What was he even thinking? He has practically no hand-eye coordination, and now he wants to poke pointy utensils near his eyes? 

The first tries are so horrendous he screams embarrassingly loudly when Phil attempts to come in and use the ensuite. 

"Go away, I look like the creature from the blue lagoon, don't come in here!" he shouts once he regains the ability to string words together. Phil trudges off to use the upstairs toilet. 

Dan's heart is beating out of his chest. He sighs and grabs the remover. 

Afterwards he follows Phil upstairs to slump against him. 

Phil kisses his temple. "You know I'll love you even if you decide to look like the creature from the blue lagoon."

"Fucking scaly," Dan mumbles and squeezes his arms around him.

*

Eventually he begins to get it right. Just the very basics. (He hates how all the beginner's tutorials are ridiculously not for beginners at all.) Eventually he is stood in front of the mirror seeing an eyeliner he doesn't absolutely hate. 

He breathes and tries to feel if he can actually leave the bathroom. Will he be okay with Phil looking at him? Only one way to find out. He sighs, and then calls Phil's name. There's a vague "yeah?" from the kitchen.

"I'm coming out. I'm not sure how I'll feel about you looking at me."

"Okay," is the only response he gets. 

He knows it's carefully pitched to make him feel at ease, he just doesn't know if he is going to appreciate it yet or whether it is just going to make him irrationally angry even though it's all in his head and none of it is Phil's fault. He heaves another deep breath and goes upstairs.

Phil's eyes widen when Dan comes close. "Wow!" he says. 

Dan finds it suddenly difficult to look at him, but it's not too bad, his heart isn't pounding, he isn't sweating, so he thinks it's fine. 

"Your eyes look so huge!" Phil continues and steps closer. 

When Dan still doesn't respond, he says, quietly. "It looks good." 

Dan finally has to see his face, and of course - of course it's just Phil, just Phil's soft gaze only for him. 

"Pretty," Phil says, almost shyly, and reaches out to link their fingers together.

"Alright, geroff," Dan grumbles and goes to fix himself a drink. He can hear Phil grinning behind him.

*

After that they get busy again. There's a rush to plan and execute both the Brazil Q&A and the tumblr Q&A, the gaming channel content (the Sims is horrible, there's so much editing involved), and then they're off to spend Christmas with their families. 

(There's that one painful moment where Phil is trying to be supportive right in the middle of filming a ridiculously suggestive Golf With Friends, which almost gives Dan whiplash. There they are making as many ball and hole related jokes as humanly possible, and suddenly Phil wants to "experiment" with "texture", Christ Almighty. When Dan teases him about it later Phil will get defensive all over again, and pout, and say, "Alright, I was only thinking aloud." and Dan will have to kiss him a lot.)

Eventually, though, they are home, with Christmas and New Year's and Manchester all behind them. Eventually a special delivery arrives for Dan Howell, sign here please. Eventually Dan uses all the tricks he picked up from the stupidly advanced YouTube tutorials. Eventually he exits the ensuite in a flurry of ruffles and lace and twirls once before he drapes himself across a Phil who looks so gobsmacked that Dan can't help but throw his head back and laugh.

**Author's Note:**

> my boy pretty like a girl  
> but he got fight stories to tell  
> \- Frank Ocean: Chanel
> 
> [Ezra Miller for Playboy](https://www.playboy.com/read/ezra-miller-fantastic-beasts-interview) (cw: mentions sexual abuse, suicide). Nov. 15 '18.
> 
> [Tweet about Ezra Miller's GQ photoshoot that Dan liked](https://twitter.com/connorfranta/status/1059520879258853376). Nov 5 '18.
> 
> I may have headcanoned that Dan has a black kimono? Maybe I'm mixing it up with the embroidered Versace shirt, but I don't care, I'm pretending it's real.
> 
> In the solo October 9 '18 liveshow Dan doesn't say Phil helped him with his nails, but I feel like it was very heavily implied.


End file.
